Pension jargon explained for April Fools Day
With grateful thanks to Simon Grover of ‘quietroomtweets’ for his April Fool take on pension jargon – hope you enjoy it. Source is here: http://quietroom.co.uk/general/fool2015/
With less than a week to go before the new ‘pension freedoms’ take effect, a Government body is today announcing a new tool to help explain the changes. A Pensions-Related Information Lexicon is the latest publication from the Financial Office Of Language (FOOL), a quango that brings together experts from the world of business communications to help explain pensions to normal people.
Absolut return – Strategy that aims to give the same return regardless of how much vodka your investment manager has drunk
Annuitease – Income for life that’s less than you’d hoped
Benefishiary – Pet who inherits your money
Bond – Type of loan that leaves you shaken but not stirred
Commutable pension – An income for people within the M25
Default – Responsibility for a bad investment decision
Defurred – Scheme member who’s been stripped of their protection
Drawdownton – To use retirement savings to buy a stately home
Growth – Usually a good thing. But check with your doctor, just in case
Lump sum – An amount approximately equal to the value of a sugar cube
Penshun – To refuse to think about what you’re going to live on when you stop work
Pension pot – Drug taken to stop worrying about retirement
Pension Whys – Pension questions that your ‘guidance specialist’ isn’t allowed to answer
Retired – Relating to inability to work due to exhaustion
Trivial commutation – A board game for people who can’t afford to do anything more interesting
Winding up – The experience of listening to politicians with final salary pensions talk about how we all have to save for retirement
And here are a few of my own:
Ben-e-fit – Man who suffers from extreme shock when discovering how inadequate his pension savings are
Deaficit – Not listening to warnings about pension underfunding
De-find Contribution – Discovering money you put into a pension many years ago
Discount rate – interest rate so small it might seem negligible but cannot be ignored for pension purposes
Equitys – Acting professionals
Sirplus – large pension entitlements for top executives
Truss-tees – Pension savers who invest in turkey farms and golf clubs
Yield – giving up hope of earning good returns
HAPPY APRIL 1st
One thought on “Pension jargon explained for April Fools Day”
“Vest”: the Rab C Nesbitt version of “crystallise”.