PENSIONSANDSAVINGS.COM

With grateful thanks to Simon Grover of ‘quietroomtweets’ for his April Fool take on pension jargon – hope you enjoy it. Source is here: http://quietroom.co.uk/general/fool2015/

With less than a week to go before the new ‘pension freedoms’ take effect, a Government body is today announcing a new tool to help explain the changes.  A Pensions-Related Information Lexicon is the latest publication from the Financial Office Of Language (FOOL), a quango that brings together experts from the world of business communications to help explain pensions to normal people.

Absolut return – Strategy that aims to give the same return regardless of how much vodka your investment manager has drunk

Annuitease – Income for life that’s less than you’d hoped

Benefishiary – Pet who inherits your money

Bond – Type of loan that leaves you shaken but not stirred

Commutable pension – An income for people within the M25

Default – Responsibility for a bad investment decision

Defurred – Scheme member who’s been stripped of their protection

Drawdownton – To use retirement savings to buy a stately home

Growth – Usually a good thing. But check with your doctor, just in case

Lump sum – An amount approximately equal to the value of a sugar cube

Penshun – To refuse to think about what you’re going to live on when you stop work

Pension pot – Drug taken to stop worrying about retirement

Pension Whys – Pension questions that your ‘guidance specialist’ isn’t allowed to answer

Retired – Relating to inability to work due to exhaustion

Trivial commutation – A board game for people who can’t afford to do anything more interesting

Winding up – The experience of listening to politicians with final salary pensions talk about how we all have to save for retirement

And here are a few of my own:

Ben-e-fit – Man who suffers from extreme shock when discovering how inadequate his pension savings are

Deaficit – Not listening to warnings about pension underfunding

De-find Contribution – Discovering money you put into a pension many years ago

Discount rate – interest rate so small it might seem negligible but cannot be ignored for pension purposes

Equitys – Acting professionals

Sirplus – large pension entitlements for top executives

Truss-tees – Pension savers who invest in turkey farms and golf clubs

Yield – giving up hope of earning good returns

HAPPY APRIL 1st